In addition to the discussion about pleasure in sexual health education; on the night of the forum ( see post below) we had an anonymous question box. All participants were asked to write a question on the paper provided and put it in the box over the break. On the groups return we would try and answer the questions.
Included in this blog post are the questions that we were asked AND answers. However these answers are a bit more in detail than they were on the night. Please have a look below and make any comments you wish.
Questions from Question Box
1. How do traditional male/female roles contribute to decrease female pleasure and increase male pleasure?
This is an interesting question. On the night it was answered with a ‘different cultures and different people have different roles and ideas/expectations of what ‘pleasure’ is perspective. However from the article Factors that shape young people’s sexual behaviour: a systematic review in the Lancet 2006; 368: 1581–86, Department of Public Health and Policy, London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine, London WC1E 7HT, UK(C Marston PhD,E King MSc (Med)) it is clear that Gender stereotypes are crucial in determining social expectations and behaviour. Research is showing us that All the societies studied (over 256 qualitative studeies) from around the world had strikingly similar expectations of men’s and women’s behaviour. Men are expected to be highly heterosexually active, and women chaste, women’s virginity at marriage often has high social value. Vaginal penetration is perceived to be important in determining masculinity, and marks the transition from boyhood to manhood. Men are expected to seek physical pleasure, but women desiring sex can be branded “loose”or “cheap”. Where romantic love is expected to precede marriage, sex for young women must be linked to romance, and they are expected to be “swept off their feet” into sexual intercourse, in a way that is not logical, planned, or rational.Men, on the other hand, may scheme and plot to obtain sex, for example, by deceiving women into thinking the relationship is a serious one when it is not. Paradoxically, despite the stigmatising effect for women in carrying condoms or using other contraception, women, not men, are generally considered responsible for pregnancy prevention.
The study found that Seven key themes emerged:
a) Young people assess potential sexual partners as “clean” or “unclean”;
b) sexual partners have an important influence on behaviour in general;
c) condoms are stigmatising and associated with lack of trust;
d) gender stereotypes are crucial in determining social expectations and, in turn, behaviour;
e) there are penalties and rewards for sex from society;
f) reputations and social displays of sexual activity or inactivity are important;
g) and social expectations hamper communication about sex.
The themes do not seem to be exclusive to any particular country or cultural background, and all themes were present, in varying degrees, in all countries assessed.
While this doesn’t speak specifically about how traditional roles contribute to female or male pleasure I think inferences could be drawn or explored further with this as a basis.
Boys are allowed to touch their
genitals when they're urinating," explains Whipple. (Beverly Whipple, PhD, RN, Professor Emerita at Rutgers University and an expert on sexual pleasure) "This helps them feel comfortable about touching their bodies. Girls are given the message from a very young age, 'Don't touch down there. It's dirty.' " There's a lot more at stake here than orgasms. If girls feel they aren't entitled to enjoy sex, then they are less likely to say "no" to sex or to use
contraception if they say, "yes," experts say. That's because they see sex as someone else's decision. They do it to please their boyfriends—or to make their boyfriends
love them, rather than because they want to have sex.
"Girls need to be given the message that they can be in control," Whipple explains. "It's really important for them to be empowered to say when something does or doesn't feel good."
They also need to hear positive messages, like, "You're worthwhile. You have a lot to offer. You have a right to pleasure," says Whipple.
2. Do men aim to please female partner or just to please themselves?
This may have something to do with the first question; however it also generalises about people.Yes many men aim to please themselves as the above article says there is a strong social construct that says “ men are expected to seek pleasure’ Yet there are also many men who see it as their duty to learn about the female body and female pleasure. The aim is to get all people to realise that pleasure, and the art of pleasure is to ensure that all parties enjoy their sexuality and sexual experiences be they solo, with a partner, with groups, same sex or hetero or whatever! I often speak with young men that say “ If I learn what turns on a girl I’ll be a better lover and then get more sex when word gets around.”
It's more difficult to sexually please a female," says Greg, 17, of Pennsylvania . "Guys are afraid they don"t know how to please their partner and so they're reluctant to try."
3. If we knew what pleased us would we know better what dis-pleased us?
Absolutely, there are more and more studies that link this with public health outcomes. For example here is a quote from Anne Philpott, Wendy Knerr, Dermot Maher “The investigators argue that “public health outcomes may benefit from a greater acceptance of positive sexual experiences”. Other researchers have claimed that denying the possibility of enjoyment in sexual relations, especially for women, has a negative effect on active negotiation and, therefore, safer sex.”
Knowing what we don’t like is so important be it touching in a particular are of the body, the environment that we seek pleasure in, or coercion or anything else.
4. I am curious about the difference between orgasm and ejaculation.
I am presuming from our conversation on the night that this is a question about male orgasm and ejaculation. Here is a description that I like taken from “ Living with a Willy – The Inside Story” by Nick Fisher.
“Ejaculation usually occurs when you reach a physical sexual climax either through wanking or sex or oral sex. And it’s a very physical event: your heart rate and blood pressure increase, your breathing is often much faster than normal, and as you ejaculate, the muscles in your genital area contract and spunk is pumped out through your penis. It’s a big occasion for the body and, because of what goes on, you usually get extremely pleasant sensations which create an intense moment called an orgasm.
Ejaculation is what happens to you physically; it’s the act of spurting spunk. But an orgasm is what you feel. The two don’t always go together. It is possible to have an orgasm and feel all those intense sensations and huge pleasures without ejaculating. And you can ejaculate without having those great feelings. Sometimes its just a quick spurt with very little feeling at all. Yet sometimes it can be so sensual and exciting that you experience orgasmic feelings without ejaculating”
I hope this clears it up a little.
5. In a hetero relationship do males learn about female orgasm from other males or females?
Both: Young men learn lots from each other which of course isn’t always accurate. As human beings they often think that the experience they have had is the same that ALL people have. Of course we know that we all have different experiences. They may also learn lots from young women either through experience or questioning.
The other place of course that young men are learning (or seeing) about female orgasm is on the net. This tends to be in porno sites that may be showing false images, false expectations and lacks any teaching process. Porno on the web is often created to fool young men into thinking that it is real. Eg just out cruising and two girls happened to jump in the car and ask for anal sex. By it’s casual nature and home film appearance it is marketed as ‘real’
In terms of teaching about orgasm we have over the past assumed that young men should be taught by men as this will make it easier to be honest and ask questions. I have recently read some research that indicated that young men felt more comfortable learning about sexuality (the research wasn’t specifically about orgasm) from women teachers.
6. Does shine have many resources for loan or keeps for 13 to 16 year olds?
Yes - go to http://www.shinesa.org.au/ Click the library and resource centre tag on the left of the page. Apart from current resources you can also see the ‘current awareness service’ which lists all new resources, books, and journal articles as they come in.
7. Can a girl get pregnant if she has sex in a hot tub? 
Yes and I am sure it has happened many times. While hot water kills sperm it ONLY kills sperm that is in the hot tub. Not in the woman’s vagina.
8. What is the difference between sex and sexuality?
Here is my own try at “ Sex is” Sex is a range of physical and mental activities from masturbation to flirting, from kissing to petting, from oral sex to intercourse from imagining to doing.
I know that the majority of people that I speak to often say that sex = intercourse. But I think it is much more than that.
Here is how SHine SA describes sexuality:
Sexuality is a part of who we are, what we think and feel about ourselves, our bodies and how we relate to others. A person's sexuality is unique and individual.
It is shaped by many things, culture and tradition, the society we live in, life experiences and personal beliefs.
The relationships in which people express their sexuality are many and varied. Sexuality develops and changes throughout a person's life. It is a part of us from birth to death, for all our life. It can be a joyous and enriching part of who we are.
SHine SA believes in celebrating all positive expressions of sexuality
9. Any suggestions of how high school teachers can get parental support?
It is DECS policy that a letter goes home to parents and caregivers detailing what is going to be covered within the upcoming lessons, inviting them to contact their child’s teacher if they have concerns or questions. It is then, an individual school’s decision, if they want to have parents give informed consent ie sign and return to the school indicating they give permission for their child to participate in the lessons, or passive consent ie they are invited to contact the school if they have any questions and would like to withdraw their child from the lessons. In this case if there is no response from the parents, consent is assumed and the student participates.
Information evenings can be arranged which could provide the opportunity for parents to speak with their child’s teacher, view the teaching materials or resources and receive information that may assist them to speak with their child about the information they will be covering during lessons. Information could also be provided in newsletters. Often, once parents are presented with the details of what will be covered in the lessons and understand how it will be presented, they are supportive and more than happy for the school to cover this topic.
10. Has anyone had a parent complain about how sex was taught to their child?
Yes this does happen but not as often as you might think. Talking personally with parents often helps allay their fears. If the talk is about safety for their child and health relationships this may help. If you are working with children from other cultures you might want to talk with some of SHine SA’s Culturally and Linguistically diverse workers. There are also documents about sexuality education programs from a Muslim perspective or sexuality programs from a Christian perspective. If you would like a pdf copy of these sent to you get in contact with me on lud.allen@health.sa.gov.au
11. How does one communicate the ideas of pleasure to their partner? Eg – Do this or do that!
UMMMM Really hard question to answer. This covers so much about relationships. It is about trust, courage, knowing what you want, etc etc.. Beverly Whipple, (PhD, RN, Professor Emerita at Rutgers University) says "The four-letter word for sex is T-A-L-K," she says. "You have totalk about things like
safer sex. You should talk about pleasure, too."
Talking about sex before doing it can help both guys and girls feel more satisfied and more valued, she adds. Not only that, but honest conversations can help you make better decisions about your sexuality, including whether you want to have sex, other types of touching, or nothing at all. And here's the real payoff. Communication makes for better relationships. And maybe that's the best pleasure of all.
You may also want to read this from the Q&A section of Dr Gabrielle Morriseys’ website
http://www.drgabrielle.com/qa.html. Dr Morrisey is an expert in sexuality and relationships, with graduate training and experience specifically in sex education and therapy, and relationship communication. She received her Masters in Human Sexuality Education from the University of Pennsylvania and her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality/Health Science from Curtin University of Technology in Perth, Western Australia.
My partner loves a particular sexual position which I find really uncomfortable. In fact, I actually dislike it, I feel contorted like a sexual aerobics competitor, and disconnected from my partner. And sometimes I can feel a bit of pain afterwards. I'm not sure how to tell him not to do it because he loves it so. What can I say?
Sex is not an aerobic activity, by definition. Yes, sex is great for the circulatory system, and research shows that people who have sex regularly over their lifespan suffer fewer heart attacks, but sex as an aerobic sport? No. In fact, it's not even that fat burning ? as many would believe (or hope). Actually, the average session of lovemaking burns about as many calories as are in one apple. Unless, of course, you are making love in a particularly sheet sizzling, muscle fatiguing, body drenching way! At its essence, sex is a shared activity ? between both partners. And because sex is about connection between two individuals, mutual pleasure is gained through the shared sexual experience which emphasises the pleasure of both those involved. If your partner enjoys sex with you in a position which you find psychologically or emotionally objectionable, or physically uncomfortable, or both, it's important that you express this to you partner. Do not expect your partner to read your mind (or your body), and 'automatically' know that you don't feel the same pleasurable sensations from the position that he does. Research shows that women find sex more pleasurable when they feel intimately connected to their partner ? through eye contact, major skin contact, and kissing. So if the position your partner enjoys most makes you feel disconnected from him, know that you are not alone in feeling decreased pleasure as a result. Also, feeling pain either during or after sex can be a concern. Sex should never be painful, and in fact, pain during or after sexual intercourse is called 'dyspareunia' and should be checked by your GP as sometimes (though not always) it can indicate an underlying gynaecological problem. If, however, your pain occurs through the strenuous position you describe as 'sexual aerobics', it's important that you communicate to your partner that as much as you adore sex with him, that particular position isn't pleasurable for you. Granted, this can be an awkward conversation to have. It's important to be sensitive to your partner's ego, his sense that he may feel rejected or hurt by critique of lovemaking, and to acknowledge that you know he loves and receives great pleasure from that position. Suggest that instead, you try a new position, one that you can both share equal satisfaction from. Research shows that one small change in a position, whether from how you position your hips or limbs, can radically transform how sexual stimulation feels, and can also revolutionise your sex life. Once you find a position, after a fun-fuelled amount of 'sexperimentation', that works for you, and for your partner, heap on the praise for positive reinforcement. He'll get more excited about a new position that you verbally and physically express satisfaction and joy for, than the old one that he found singularly rewarding. Research also shows that 85% of men wish their partner would take more initiative in sex, choosing the when, where, and how. Take advantage of this opportunity to make great, lasting positive changes in your sex life that work for you both in the long ? and steamy ? run!
12. Can teachers give students condoms without it being seen as inappropriate?
It is suggested that the issue of having condoms available to give to students is taken to Governing Council. Many schools have done this and have gained support and endorsement for the School Counsellors to give condoms to students who approach them and ask for them. This provides the opportunity for the counsellors to have further discussion with the students if needed and becomes known through the student body without it being overtly advertised.
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